That is all I can think of right now. I don’t have to run anymore. I am done running. I don’t have to run from “it.”
I don’t have to run from the past. I am not my past. I am not talking about my past due bills or my broken friendships or my bad temper or my impatience or my weight. Maybe those are all symptoms of the pain. Maybe those issues are part of my learning process. Those are issues that I am currently working on but they are definitely not the “it” I was running from. They may be symptoms and issues but they are not “it.” The “it” I am talking about is the hurt and pain from my childhood. I am not there anymore and consciously I know I am not there anymore. However somewhere deep in my soul I know I have been running but I am not running anymore. I am stopping and I am taking a breath. I am breathing. I love to breath. It feels good. Sometimes I feel like I have been holding my breath forever. Yeah, I know there are times the I metaphorically and in reality take time to breath but at some point in my life I decided that I did not know how I was going to do it but I knew that at some point I was going to get away from the pain. I knew I was going to get away from the lies and the abuse. I knew I was going to get away from the loneliness and the noise. In my mind the fastest way to get away from the pain was to go to college.
In order from me to get away from the pain that infected my life daily as a child I knew I had to jump even though I did not know what I was jumping into. Somewhere along the line in my childhood something clicked and I knew that if my future was going to be different than the current life I was living I knew I needed to get away. I know my parents loved me(I guess)… but I did not feel loved and I definitely did not feel safe. I am to tired to explain it all but someday I will. All of it will be explained. It is late and I must get this stuff out now so I can go to bed. I don’t need to explain it and make it pretty and package it so that nobody’s feelings will be hurt. My truth is this…the “it” I was running from was an abusive father that sexually molested my half sister and possibly one of my other half sisters (yeah everyone knows that is not her biological father but we don’t talk about it). I was running from my non nurturing, delusional depressed drug addicted mother. I was running from the gas and electric being shut off repeatedly because my dad sucked at managing money. I was running from working for free and being lied to about college money being set aside for me when it clearly was not. I was running from my brother being shot and killed. I was running from my aunt drowning at a pool party where no one knew how to swim. I was running from the mental illness that has plagued my family for generations. I was running from the lies. I was running from being date raped. I was running from dad trying to manipulate us into a religion the he and his ilk had bastardized. I was running.
The funny thing is that one of my dad’s favorite sayings was” don’t run from it, run to it.” I did not run to “it”. I ran from “it” as fast as I could. In my young mind I thought the best way to do that was going to college, getting an education and becoming an entrepreneur. However I also wanted to be a writer, news anchor and actor. I sucked at college therefore I wound up dropping out. I got job after job and eventually started my own business. I got married to an amazing man, had 2 beautiful children and moved to a great neighbor hood.
That all sounds great but along the way I racked up millions of dollars of debt, became a workaholic, gained weight and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Luckily I got to a point where I knew I needed to slow down and fix my financial issues and work on my health. I am at that place right now and I have been in this place for quite a while but something happened tonight. Tonight I decided to put some of my favorite music on (anything Michael McDonald) and took a long shower. When I got out of the shower I was feeling good and relaxed then one of my favorite songs came on from Michael McDonald and the Doobie Brothers (Real Love) and I just broke down and started crying. I was crying tears of joy. Listening to that song brought back so many memories of my child hood. Music was a safe place for me as a child. As a child I would listen to songs and imagine I was in a different place. I would imagine I was in a beautiful place. I would imagine that I had a beautiful, healthy and happy family. I dreamed that I lived in a beautiful neighbor hood and that I was married to a man that would never hit me or my children. I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed. I took a deep breath as a child and jumped into the pool of life and I was determined not to come up for air until my dreams had come true. My dreams have come true. I am not there anymore. I can breath.
I can breath now because it is over. We are grown now. People are happy. We have moved on as a family and there has been a lot of healing. We have had our ups and downs but as a family we have made it through. There are members of my family that are allowed into my safe space and there are others that are no longer welcome into my world. I am so thankful for where we are now but somewhere along the line I forgot to breath. I can breath now and it feels good.