I believe you!

I believe you. I know you are telling the truth. It happened. You are not crazy. Your story matters.

When I was a child my siblings and I experienced abuse in all it’s many forms. We were told “what happens in this house stays in this house.” We were told to lie to social workers and law enforcement. My parents would argue and fight and then when the police got involved they lied and manipulated the system. There were times that the police were at our house multiple times per month. My father seriously acts like it never happened.

My father would come to our room in the middle of the night, get my sister out of bed and sexually abuse her and then act like nothing happened once he was confronted about his behavior. My dad would beat and abuse my mom and then leave for work only to come back with bags full of groceries and a smile on his face and behaving like nothing happened.

All of this happened yet my father convinced many neighbor’s, relatives and friends that it never happened. He is now married to a woman that he cheated on my mom with and even she is under the illusion that it never happened.

So why am I being so specific and sharing this more explicitly now and forever? I am doing this because after a conversation yesterday with my dad’s wife I saw how powerful lies and gaslighting can be. There are people’s whose lives have been destroyed because of people like my father. There are people living in quiet desperation because no one believes their story and they are tired of trying to tell their story only for their truth to be dismissed or swept under a rug. I am going to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth because people are dying and the cover ups and lies have to stop.

I know I am only one person but maybe just maybe if I tell the truth it will give others the opportunity to get help and get out of a horrible situation. I know what it is like to be in the grocery store and see a young girl with that “sad” look in her eyes because she can’t articulate what is happening to her body behind closed doors. I know what it looks like when a teenage girl is always acting “too fast” for her age because it is the only way she gets attention and affection. I know what it is like to feel the inner turmoil of an overweight girl that does well in school, is pleasant enough and well mannered but can’t quite find her place in the world because of the inner emotional detachment she has developed for survival. I know what it’s like to be beautiful, popular and seemingly happy yet feeling like a fraud because you are really unhappy at home. I know what it feels like when the only place you find joy is at school with your friends where no one touches you without consent and no one hits you.

You may ask am I mad, upset or angry and I can honestly say that at this very moment I am not. I am actually relieved. I am at peace and my father has been forgiven many years ago. I speak to him with no animosity in my heart. This post is not about him…this post is a love letter of support for all the girls, boys, women and men that have been abused and then told “it never happened.”

My dad is 82 and he is living a peaceful life with a woman that adores him because she too has been gaslighted into believing that nothing from our childhood ever happened. Believe it or not I am ok with her being delusional because he needs someone to take care of him and I believe that there is some good that he has shown her that allows her to believe his lies. I know from experience that the truth will not affect him or her in a negative way because they live in a constant state of deliberate delusion that allows their relationship to exist and keeps them happy together.

This is not about him or them. This is about you or someone you know that needs their voice to be heard. I have heard the crys at night. I have seen and felt the tears. I know the anger and frustration of not feeling like you are seen or heard. I lived it. I know what happened to you is real. It really did happen and your story will be told and I believe you.

Still holding at 206 and happy…

I am happy to be holding at 206 because it is that time of the month and usually I am 2lbs heavier when I start but not today. Today I am holding and moving forward. Once I heard Tony Robbins suggest having a salad for breakfast and that is exactly what I did this morning. I am having a salad and later today I will do yoga or some interval training for 7-10 minutes.  I am not trying to impress anyone with how much or how little I can do. I am actually just hoping to inspire and encourage someone to come on this journey with me no matter where they are right now.  I know if I can do it you can too!

P. S. I do not delete posts that contradict where I am at right now with my dietary choices. I welcome you to check out how I vacillate between vegetarian, vegan and pescatarian….I still feel a mostly vegan lifestyle is best for me right now because I like the way I feel however I have adopted the term veganish because I like eggs….(singing) I   like   large   eggs   and I can’t deny….lol!!!

My Belly is going down…

Still teetering between 206 and 207….progress feels good. I am moving more and of course being mindful of what I eat. Today I am going to go scuba training today. So much fun. Helpful hint: find fun activities that interest you that also happen to involve physical activity:)

Still moving in the right direction…

This is normal…I went down 2lbs in the last few days and this morning I was up 1lb but my clothes feel loser. It is not healthy nor is it recommended that you weigh yourself everyday and I will or course not do that anymore after the end of this month when I am finally out of the 200’s. Be good to yourself and have an amazing day!

208.6 real numbers

I was 210 yesterday and I am 208.6 today.  I ate mostly clean yesterday. I will share with you what I am doing today…I am walking for 30 minutes and this evening I am doing 30-45 min of yoga(not good at it but it makes me feel good).  I had gluten free French toast, salmon croquette and eggs with spinach, beans, a little cheddar and onions and a cup of coffee with almond milk.  I feel really good today and I think that is because I am taking my apple cider vinegar and thyroid supplement before bedtime. I am also getting my sleep in and choosing not to worry about day to day normal business challenges. I am also allowing myself to take a few moments and just be silent. Oh, I almost forgot, I am drinking a gallon of water everyday and I know that helps me feel really good. I hope you have a great day. These posts about this weight journey will probably not be the most eloquent but they will be real and honest.

Yes I am doing this

So here we go…I forgot to weigh this morning because my daughter was running late for swim practice so I jumped out of bed in my jammies and took her to school for swim practice. Then I went to breakfast with my younger daughter. I started out with avocado toast and coffee however I did get a slice of her French Toast…yummy but not in line with my goals. Hey, but at least I am starting off with day 2 of consistently writing about this journey. Now I must go do a little work.

Still not out of the 200s

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I have a goal!! I am so close but sometimes feel so far away. Sometimes I am such a chicken-shit  when it comes to this journey…LOL!! I was supposed to be documenting this journey with this blog and then I got lazy. I got down to 203 and now I am back to 208. I actually don’t feel bad but I am a little disappointed that I am still in the 200s. I know that I am on the right track but I have not been consistent with eating properly and working out. So here goes…by the end of November I will be out of the 200s. Please hang out with me for the next 30 days and if you are so inclined please share your journey with me if you are on one.

I will fight!

I am not going anywhere…unless I want too! I will fight you! But I will fight you in a way you can not comprehend or compete. Yes we know you exist and we see the rising of your hate but I see something bigger. I see the rising up of love from all around the world. You are in your self impossed cage and the only reason we hear you is because you are loud…Oh yes you are so loud and of course we hear you. We hear you yelling from your cage of hate. That is why people think you are so big. They think you are so big because your voice is so loud…oh but if they could see you. When they actually see you they will see what I see. I see how small you are. I see you crying in fear of a changing world. I even see the diversity amongst you in your cages. I see the poor ones, the rich ones, the short ones and the tall ones but you all are all the same. Oops I almost forgot…I also see the so-called powerful ones. They think they are powerful but really they aren’t and they know it. They are loud because they know they are small. Small minded, scared and loud. You know what I also see. I see people acknowledging that you exist but choosing to ignore you and move on with their lives. I see people choosing to love one another regardless of race color or creed. That really gets to you doesn’t it! I don’t hate you. Actually I feel sorry for you. Ok, well maybe I do hate you a little but I don’t like the way that feels so I choose better feelings like compassion for the ignorant and disdane (not hate) for the willfully oblivious.
I will fight you by loving my neighbor. I will fight you by not sharing your hate or rhetoric. I will fight you by voting. Good people will fight you by building better schools in underserved neighborhoods. Loving people will fight you by inviting all people into their places of worship and looking past their fear of the “other.” Many people will fight you by starting businesses and building wealth and moving into your neighborhood. Yes, we know you will eventually move to the moutains or something like that just to get away from us but guess what, we will have the resourses to move there too if we choose to. We will fight you by having great careers and building a great life. We will fight you by working our minimum wage jobs with a smile on our face even though we may be tired. We will fight you by praying for a better future for our kids even though we may not know how we are going to make it another day. We will fight you by raising kids that are loving and compassionate and they will go to school with your kids. Your kids will see that the lies you taught them through the goodness displayed by our kids and they will momentarily hate you for it. Then they will learn that hatred is too draining. Your kids will be impressed with our kids’ love and compassion and some of those kids will fall in love with each other and build futures together (you are not invited to the wedding unless you change). We will fight by getting and education and going back to help others get an education. We will fight by volunteering to serve others. We will fight with science, prayer, respect and loyalty to mankind. We will fight with love. Love really is the answer and nothing can stand against it…Love wins in the end.