I believe you!

I believe you. I know you are telling the truth. It happened. You are not crazy. Your story matters.

When I was a child my siblings and I experienced abuse in all it’s many forms. We were told “what happens in this house stays in this house.” We were told to lie to social workers and law enforcement. My parents would argue and fight and then when the police got involved they lied and manipulated the system. There were times that the police were at our house multiple times per month. My father seriously acts like it never happened.

My father would come to our room in the middle of the night, get my sister out of bed and sexually abuse her and then act like nothing happened once he was confronted about his behavior. My dad would beat and abuse my mom and then leave for work only to come back with bags full of groceries and a smile on his face and behaving like nothing happened.

All of this happened yet my father convinced many neighbor’s, relatives and friends that it never happened. He is now married to a woman that he cheated on my mom with and even she is under the illusion that it never happened.

So why am I being so specific and sharing this more explicitly now and forever? I am doing this because after a conversation yesterday with my dad’s wife I saw how powerful lies and gaslighting can be. There are people’s whose lives have been destroyed because of people like my father. There are people living in quiet desperation because no one believes their story and they are tired of trying to tell their story only for their truth to be dismissed or swept under a rug. I am going to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth because people are dying and the cover ups and lies have to stop.

I know I am only one person but maybe just maybe if I tell the truth it will give others the opportunity to get help and get out of a horrible situation. I know what it is like to be in the grocery store and see a young girl with that “sad” look in her eyes because she can’t articulate what is happening to her body behind closed doors. I know what it looks like when a teenage girl is always acting “too fast” for her age because it is the only way she gets attention and affection. I know what it is like to feel the inner turmoil of an overweight girl that does well in school, is pleasant enough and well mannered but can’t quite find her place in the world because of the inner emotional detachment she has developed for survival. I know what it’s like to be beautiful, popular and seemingly happy yet feeling like a fraud because you are really unhappy at home. I know what it feels like when the only place you find joy is at school with your friends where no one touches you without consent and no one hits you.

You may ask am I mad, upset or angry and I can honestly say that at this very moment I am not. I am actually relieved. I am at peace and my father has been forgiven many years ago. I speak to him with no animosity in my heart. This post is not about him…this post is a love letter of support for all the girls, boys, women and men that have been abused and then told “it never happened.”

My dad is 82 and he is living a peaceful life with a woman that adores him because she too has been gaslighted into believing that nothing from our childhood ever happened. Believe it or not I am ok with her being delusional because he needs someone to take care of him and I believe that there is some good that he has shown her that allows her to believe his lies. I know from experience that the truth will not affect him or her in a negative way because they live in a constant state of deliberate delusion that allows their relationship to exist and keeps them happy together.

This is not about him or them. This is about you or someone you know that needs their voice to be heard. I have heard the crys at night. I have seen and felt the tears. I know the anger and frustration of not feeling like you are seen or heard. I lived it. I know what happened to you is real. It really did happen and your story will be told and I believe you.

Still holding at 206 and happy…

I am happy to be holding at 206 because it is that time of the month and usually I am 2lbs heavier when I start but not today. Today I am holding and moving forward. Once I heard Tony Robbins suggest having a salad for breakfast and that is exactly what I did this morning. I am having a salad and later today I will do yoga or some interval training for 7-10 minutes.  I am not trying to impress anyone with how much or how little I can do. I am actually just hoping to inspire and encourage someone to come on this journey with me no matter where they are right now.  I know if I can do it you can too!

P. S. I do not delete posts that contradict where I am at right now with my dietary choices. I welcome you to check out how I vacillate between vegetarian, vegan and pescatarian….I still feel a mostly vegan lifestyle is best for me right now because I like the way I feel however I have adopted the term veganish because I like eggs….(singing) I   like   large   eggs   and I can’t deny….lol!!!

My Belly is going down…

Still teetering between 206 and 207….progress feels good. I am moving more and of course being mindful of what I eat. Today I am going to go scuba training today. So much fun. Helpful hint: find fun activities that interest you that also happen to involve physical activity:)

Still moving in the right direction…

This is normal…I went down 2lbs in the last few days and this morning I was up 1lb but my clothes feel loser. It is not healthy nor is it recommended that you weigh yourself everyday and I will or course not do that anymore after the end of this month when I am finally out of the 200’s. Be good to yourself and have an amazing day!

208.6 real numbers

I was 210 yesterday and I am 208.6 today.  I ate mostly clean yesterday. I will share with you what I am doing today…I am walking for 30 minutes and this evening I am doing 30-45 min of yoga(not good at it but it makes me feel good).  I had gluten free French toast, salmon croquette and eggs with spinach, beans, a little cheddar and onions and a cup of coffee with almond milk.  I feel really good today and I think that is because I am taking my apple cider vinegar and thyroid supplement before bedtime. I am also getting my sleep in and choosing not to worry about day to day normal business challenges. I am also allowing myself to take a few moments and just be silent. Oh, I almost forgot, I am drinking a gallon of water everyday and I know that helps me feel really good. I hope you have a great day. These posts about this weight journey will probably not be the most eloquent but they will be real and honest.